The amazing thing is that women usually take the initiative.
Increasing rudeness
In addition to the persistence, Thiel observes another love killer, which he addresses in his guide: "I want to point out the incredibly high level of negativity and rudeness" he emphasizes. The less they got what they wanted, the more rudely men and women demanded their wishes. "When in doubt, the partners resort to unfair strategies and weapons". This would also cross the line between verbal and physical attacks. "This dramatic rudeness and devaluation damages partnerships enormously" he warns. Because constant outbursts of anger destroy a love. "Stop the Anger ”and“ Never attack an angry partner" are Thiel’s rules number 3 and 4.
Not without a fitness tracker
"From a heart rate of 95 onwards, people can no longer think too clearly anyway. He is no longer able to discuss things carefully. Our bodies are then in fight-or-flight mode and many men are very tense in this situation" states the coach. Should you wear a fitness tracker or heart rate monitor on your wrist in order to avoid escalations during a marriage conflict? The Berliner agrees with a laugh. An American couple researcher actually recommends that his clients break off the conversation if the aggro limit is exceeded. Despite the apparent hopelessness, many relationships can still be saved, he says. "But people definitely don’t know what they want to change in their partner in the first place. Because they are not clear about their own wishes and needs, have never learned to express them specifically and to stand up for them."
Speak plainly
Nagging doesn’t help if the harmonic consonance has evaporated after the phase of falling in love. "We have to be clear about what we want, we have to promote ourselves" stresses the coach. Partnership as a request concert? How is that supposed to work? "Three to five compliments, then add a request" is the wish fulfillment formula in Thiel’s guide. But the solution is tricky, the goals and interests of women and men are usually different. Anyone who dares to address their wishes must also strike the right tone. Both sexes rarely succeed in this.
More women want to change their men than the other way around
"Men are more lazy about relationships, they question problems in their partnership less often than women" notes Thiel and adds: "Women definitely make more mistakes in relationships simply because they bring up issues more often". "We need to talk" – Men fear this typically female prelude to a relationship conversation like an opposing winning goal in the 89th minute of the game: In this situation you are always the loser. "Couples think it’s about communication, but it’s always about feelings" knows Thiel and adds: "Anyone who feels misunderstood will eventually turn away from their partner and devalue them." Relationship conversations are ruinous, as is the universal criticism: "I did everything. If the relationship doesn’t work out, it can only be because of him."
Emotional vitamin deficiency
"Positivity" is the magic formula of the Beliner relationship expert. In plain language: Strengthen your partner’s back instead of stabbing him in the back, praise and confirmation instead of rejection and disrespect, compliments instead of belittling him. Not really new findings, but Christian Thiel gets to the point in a catchy way. He also diagnoses an emotional deficiency in vitamins A, B and R: recognition, affirmation and respect. This deficiency shows up in many situations. "Nothing has been going on in bed for a long time" – this sentence is another warning sign that the coach often hears in his practice.
"After sex is before the solution"
When physical affection is gone, it is very difficult. Because what usually liberates couples from their rigidity are emotions and sexual confirmation: hugs, tender touch and an active love life. Sex lead to "a hormonal high mood". Thiel’s rule number ten is therefore: After sex is before the solution. "If the mood is good, you can get the cow off the ice" the couple counselor knows and adds: "People are extremely open to change when they are in high spirits. You will then find a compromise more easily".
Many people today look for great love on the Internet. But some fall into the trap of fraudsters. So-called romance scammers use online dating sites to pull money out of their unsuspecting victims’ pockets. In addition, they pretend to have serious feelings and even speak of marriage. How to spot romance scammers.
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Always the same pattern
The cases of fraud follow a similar pattern: a woman gets to know a man through an online dating site. He writes her emails with oaths of love, poems, passionate allusions. The two call and chat every day. However, there is initially no meeting. Then the man asks the woman for money – for example on the grounds that his account has been blocked due to an error, but he urgently needs to pay a hotel bill. The woman agrees, she trusts the stranger. But she will never see her money again. It works the other way around: Men are also victims of this scam. How many people fall for Romance Scammers is difficult to say. The Federal Criminal Police Office counts rip-offs in partner exchanges as fraud, romance scamming does not appear individually in the statistics.
You should transfer money via Western Union
Ute Mickerts from Stuttgart almost fell victim to such a romance scammer. "I was lucky" she says today. Because it was only by chance that the hoax was discovered: Her supposed dream man asked her for money, which she was supposed to transfer via Western Union. Western Union – Mickerts was not familiar with this common form of international payment transactions. The then 58-year-old asked her children. They became suspicious and went to the police with their mother. It was there that Mickerts found out that she was the victim of a fraud. She has not suffered any financial damage. But: "I’ve lost all illusions" she says. She wanted to protect other potential victims and founded the homepage contra-romance-scamming.de. She wants to help track down fraudsters. In 2010, 600 victims were members of the self-help group – all together, romance scamming caused damage of seven million euros.
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Victims are driven to ruin
Romance scamming is a particularly perfidious form of rip-off. Because through the supposed love affair, the victims build up such a trusting relationship with the perpetrator that they often become suspicious far too late. Romance scammers typically make their https://topadultreview.com/ victim feel like they really mean business. Often they even speak of marriage. Against this background, asking for money seems harmless: who would refuse their future spouse? The fraudsters do not just ask for money once, but repeatedly – sometimes until the victim is ruined. The perpetrators are often located in African countries – this is why one speaks of the Nigeria connection.
Everything looks serious
But how can you recognize fraudsters? "Most of the time, when you feel like this is all too good to be true, something is wrong" says Ute Mickerts. Men, for example, pose as wealthy managers and women as academics. They look attractive in the profile photo. Your approach is not clumsy, but looks serious. They invent a deceased spouse, often even a child. Another clue is the language. "Mails in English or bad German are suspicious" says Mickerts. However, some romance scammers also speak excellent German. One should also become suspicious if the flirt partner does not answer questions in e-mails at all or only very vaguely. This is due to the fact that behind a scammer account there are usually three or four people who take turns writing the emails, explains Mickerts.
Go to the police
But despite all caution: "Complete protection against scammers is not possible" says Ute Mickerts. Because the romance scammers are clever and keep developing new types of fraud. Affected people should definitely contact the police and report the perpetrator, she advises. "The subject has been hushed up for far too long." The chance of getting your money back is slim: "There is still a lack of international cooperation."
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More information about romance scamming at www.polizei-beratung.de.
In front of the altar they promise each other eternal love. But the reality looks different, because many couples end their marriage after just a few years: According to the latest figures from the Federal Statistical Office, marriages fail after an average of fourteen years and four months. The amazing thing is that women usually take the initiative. Read nine facts about divorce here.
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Women are more likely to want a divorce
In Germany, every third marriage breaks up: in 2009 a total of 185,800 marriages were divorced. The wife filed more than half of the divorces, with an average of 42 years. For most men, the marriage ended at the age of 45. This increased the age of divorce. For comparison: in 1990 both partners were six years younger when they divorced. In addition, there are fewer and fewer married people, as there are no longer as many couples as before.
Most marriages last 14 years
The figures from the Federal Statistical Office also show positive things: marriages in Germany break up later and later: Most divorces do not literally exist "darn seventh year" but only after 14 years and four months. This is a record since the beginning of all-German statistics in 1990. At that time, the couples stayed together on average for only eleven and a half years. In addition, the number of divorces is falling slightly overall.
Separation risk rises to 70 percent
Doomed marriages are, among other things, in which the partners argue a lot. According to a US study, most of the trouble is in financial matters. Accordingly, the disputes over money alone drove the separation rate up. Frequent arguments about finances and the feeling that expenses were unfairly distributed increased the likelihood of a breakup by 70 percent. But differences about the distribution of housework, sex and the time spent together often plunge a relationship into crisis.
Fighters aren’t the worse couple
But: How often a couple fights is not necessarily an indicator of the quality of the relationship. But how it argues. For example, couples who never argue can actually be in an indifferent relationship while hot-blooded arguers still have butterflies in their stomachs. "If we haven’t learned how to argue properly, arguing is dangerous and can quickly get out of hand" warns the Hamburg couple therapist Michael Cöllen.
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